It has been a month since my little brother and I moved abroad where our parents live. And here I am, slacking. I'd
probably just spend my time reading comic books until summer semester, but
there are still several months ahead; so last week, I thought about working. I
cracked my brain and started imagining all possibilities on every kind of job.
A whole day of thinking wasn't enough though. It took me several days... probably
a week; until it came to me that it's useless; I realized I’m useless... and I
finally gave up.
I looked back at my past and saw how
unfortunate it was that I can’t find the right thing for me to do. Back then, I
never cared about other people, and anything else doesn't interest me at all.
I'm a socially unhealthy kid with a blur future. There are so many things that
I hate, and I avoid them as much as I can. One of it is school, where you
practice corruption and hierarchy, and which I cursed ever since I remembered
living. There were a lot of people my age in school, and I had a really hard
time then. There was a time I started to compare myself to others, and it was
just too different, like I can't fit anywhere near them. How do they talk so
lively? I can't figure out how and it made me a bit jealous, I wanted to become
like them, but as I grow up, I stopped dreaming and realized how I really am.
Practically majority of troubles
came from school; home works, group works, clubs, and events; it made my life
so hard like hell. It was a miracle I even graduated high school; I literally
avoided attending any classes and managed to live out with maxed number of
absences. I ditched school because I hate it, then I slack off and scratch my
back the whole day.
Worrying is another thing that I
hate. It puts me off balance, hurts my head, and it brings nothing but stress. That’s
why, I always wonder why others worries too much while you can just calm
yourself and deal with your problem in a cool way or just forget about it ever
happened. I do it all the time... Why can't others think of it? How can they
just take all the worries from having a lot of companions? from doing a lot of
work? from studying until they get so old?
I
never got the answers on anything nor found out if my past was weirder then
other kids, but I came to realize something that made me grow as a person that
won't get anywhere far: People are made different, and I will always feel best
when I’m being real. Trying to be someone else will just hurt me deep inside;
and so, all those questions faded, like they were never even there… And that is
when I didn’t care about anything, nothing at all.
All
those thinking made my head hurt so much as I saw how a crap of a person I had
become. All I wanted was to find the right job for me and suddenly, I
remembered the words reflection and realization, which I had abandoned a long
time ago…
Hey Kid
ReplyDeleteAs far as getting a job right now its tuff for everyone.
I wouldn't put my focus on getting a job right now. You probably hate school because you are being bullied. I was too! All the way to 7th. grade.
I was hurt,my self-esteem was very low and I became suicidal.
I had a bully next store. Which was a boy bigger than me and older. He use to beat me up pretty much everyday.
The only friend I had was my cousin. I had some friends in school but didn't trust them.
Anyway the bully next store did something to my cousin she came in the house crying. I was so angry I walked over to his house and knocked on his door.
When he opened the door I socker ponched him. Then I jumped on top of him. I beat the day lights out of him.
Whats really funny when his dad found out I was the one that beat him up. He got a beating from his dad. Plus restriction.
His sister told everyone in school that I beat him up. After all my other bullies seen what I did to him. They never bullied me again.
My life changed because my attitude changed. The way your attitude is right now is doing nothing but surround you with negativity.
Stop talking negative to yourself. If you start to get a negative thought cut it off.
I usually hum or make up funny song that don't make no since.
When you are doing things around the house hum,sing you will be surprised how much you can get done.
I am in my 40's now and I ran into some of the kid that made fun of me in school.
You should see them now they are nobodies. Living in bad neighborhoods with a hand full of kid. Driving junkers.
So who is the real losers. I could tell they wanted to dig a hole and bury their head. One actually said they were sorry.
Quit telling yourself you're worthless,hopeless and don't matter. Everything that is said to you is a lie. Including the bad things you tell yourself.
Do this look around in public places and compare yourself with other people. You will see people who are uglier,fatter and dorkier then you. Maybe then you might realize your not so bad.
Good luck kid!
Kuzomegane, writing things down is a great way to get all those negative thoughts out your head.
ReplyDeleteEverything that you wrote, could easily describe me when I was younger. I always felt like an alien, that I didn't belong, that maybe I was born at the wrong time.
I was called different as a kid and I'm still called that as an adult. Embrace the fact that you are unique. The fact that you want to change means you are starting the transition. And you're not 'slacking or wasting time', just undecided on which path to take.
I work with a lot of young people and most of them feel the way you do, so you are not alone. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, I'm sure you're find your direction soon enough, you have time on your side to help you come to a conclusion and by doing this blog, you're already started your journey.
I wish you all the luck in the world. :)
Lily
That's how I felt, I don't know where to go, what I want, or what should I do. I've been thinking of it but time passes by so fast.
DeleteIt was so hard at the beginning, but I feel much better now.